As Seen On TV

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You’re sitting back and relaxing while watching your favorite TV show. It’s getting late and you start to zone out a little. And the show goes into a commercial break. And then, BAM! You leap jump out of your seat as if someone just threw a bucket of cold water in your face! In a confused state, you look around to see what the hell just happened. As you regain your senses, you realize that it’s just that obnoxiously loud guy on one of those “As Seen On TV” advertisements. I don’t know the guy’s name, but he has a beard and he’s always ranting like a Baptist minister. I’m sure you’ve seen him before….

An unseen announcer will set things up with an enthusiastic, “Are you feeling down and depressed? Are you tired of just getting by? Do you ever feel like kicking someone in the nuts? Well, have we got the thing for you!”

Then, the bearded guy will appear on the screen. His arms are flailing and his voice comes across in full volume, “Hi, I’m the bearded guy. And this is your lucky day. In collaboration with German rocket scientists, we have come up with a product that’s going to revolutionize the way you (insert anything you want here).”

Then they’ll show the product du jour performing its miracles. It might be a handheld magnet that’s capable of picking up anything from small screws to large automobiles. It might be an antenna that attaches to your cell phone that will allow you to get phone calls from inside a MRI machine. Perhaps, for people in the New Orleans area, you might need a tube of Mighty Putty in the event of a levee break. And as a back up, you might want to purchase the super absorbent shammy that holds up to 8000 times its weight in water. There are many more products. Let’s look at a couple that I’ve personally seen in action….

Several years ago, my ever adventurous sister decided that she would try something called a Flowbee. Basically, this was a hair trimmer that you hook up to your vacuum cleaner (yes, I'm serious!). My sister figured she’d save everyone a few bucks by giving them a free no frills haircut. I'm sure she had good intentions, but there was no way I was interested in being her guinea pig. However, my poor father decided to take a bullet for the rest of the guys in the family. Although I admired his courage, I seriously questioned his judgment.

I didn’t witness the actual crime, but I saw the aftermath. I dropped by my parents house one day. I noticed my dad in the kitchen with band aids all over his head. As I got closer, I also noticed several bald patches where hair used to be. I asked, “What the hell happened to you? Did you lose a fight with a cat??”

I really felt bad for him. What kind of animal could do something like this to my dad? My father, in a disgusted tone, said, “It was that God damned sister of yours!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Later that day, I ran into my brother-in-law who also appeared to have tussled with a clawed animal. I started to say something, but he immediatley cut me off in an irritated tone and said, "I don't want to talk about it!"

Last year, I fell victim to one the “seen on TV” products. I have a few troublesome spots in my yard where the grass never seems to grow. I’ve tried different types of grass seed with no luck. So, one day I see the bearded guy on TV hawking the latest breakthrough in grass growth. According to the barded guy, this grass seed would even grow on concrete! It immediately peaked my interest and I was suckered in. I got online and placed my order.

A couple of weeks later, my product arrived. I immediately scattered it across the trouble spots in my yard. According to directions, I should see results in about a week. A week came and went but no grass. I gave it a couple more weeks. Still nothing. So, I called the customer service number to complain and ask for a refund. Of course, I’m put on hold for an extended time. Then I finally got someone from India on the other end. I explained my predicament. The guy on the other end asked, “Did you attempt to grow this grass on dirt?” Well, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer, right? So, I responded, “Well, no. I was trying to supplement my thinning hair, so I planted it on top of my head.” Haji obviously missed the humor and went back to his script and asked his original question over again. I responded, “Of course, I planted the grass seed in dirt. But what difference does it make. According to the bearded guy, this stuff will grow on concrete!” Then the guy says, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” I respond, “Oh, did I miss something. What exactly have you helped me with up to this point?”

I eventually got tired of it and just demanded a full refund. After all, it was 100% guaranteed or my money back, right? Haji finally conceded but told me that the shipping and “handling” charges were not refundable. Since they shipped me a "bonus" container of useless grass seed, the “handling” charges were about $15. So, for my $15, I got to argue with a guy in India and I still have no grass.

So, let this serve as a warning. If you see the bearded guy screaming about his new amazing product, do yourself a favor and change the channel…..

KW