Telemarketers

Friday, June 5, 2009

I’m sitting there eating my dinner or relaxing in front of the TV when all of a sudden, the phone rings. And even though I’m not in the mood to talk, my natural reaction is to answer it. So, I reluctantly pick up the phone and force out a less than enthusiastic “hello”. Is it a relative calling to see what I’m bringing to the birthday party this weekend? Is it a longtime friend calling to catch up on things? Could it be my dentist’s office calling to confirm my semi-annual check-up? The answers can be summed with an empahtic “Hell, no!”

On the other of the receiver halfway around the world, someone named Akbar wants to know how I’m doing. Am I to believe that my new Indian friend has no other motive than to check up on my well being? I wasn’t born yesterday. So, I say, “Let’s cut the bullshit, Akbar. What are you selling?”

In a heavy Mid Eastern accent, Akbar asks me if I own any credit cards. I ask him why he wants to know. He tells me that he has credit fraud insurance that he can offer me for a remarkable price. Of course, it took more than one “Can you repeat that” to finally comprehend this. I tell him I’m not interested, and then Akbar comes back with an obviously scripted response. This goes back and forth a few times before I realize that I can end this bullshit by simply hanging up the phone. So, that’s exactly what I do.

I think everyone has dealt with telemarketers to some degree. They are intrusive, annoying and irritating to say the least. I view them as unwelcome guests in my home. Intruders, if you want to push it. I’d like to kick the guy’s ass that came up with the concept of telemarketing. At least the door-to-door salesmen of yesteryear had the balls to annoy you in person.

But let’s face it, telemarketers are here to stay. So, I suggest using them as a source of entertainment. It sounds crazy but you might get to a point where you actually look forward to that annoying call! I like to think that my glass is half full. Here are some things I’ve personally done to make the most of the situation:

1. After the telemarketer asks to speak to you, say, “Sure, hang on one second”. The put the phone down and walk away. This will leave the asshole in limbo for an extended amount of time. Remember, these jerk-offs get paid by how many calls they make.

2. Let the telemarketer go on with his long sales pitch. During the whole thing, just give an occasional “Mmm-hmmm” to give the impression that you’re really interested. After he finally finishes, ask him to repeat it. Do this every time he finishes the sales pitch until he finally realizes that you’re f*cking with him. You’ll be amused and he’ll hang up. It’s a win-win.

3. When the fire/police departments call asking for donations, demand to know who they work for. The person on the other end will probably tell you that he “represents” the fire/police department. In reality, the fire/police departments only get 13% of the donations. The rest goes to the telemarketing firm. This is bullshit and I won’t donate to them. Yeah, they’ve hung up on me and I don't care. I think it's downright robbery that they keep the bulk of the donations!

4. While the telemarketer is in mid-speech, keep yelling at your “phantom kids”. Your script will go something like this: “God damn it, knock it off!.. I’m sorry, what were you saying sir?....... Hold on. Hey you little bastard, don’t make me take my belt off!.. Kids, don’t you love ‘em. Go ahead……Son of a bitch, if you two don’t stop I’m gonna whoop your mothers ass!....This is ridiculous, I’m so sorry, please continue….Dammit, that’s it! It’s Giuliani time for you guys!... I’m sorry sir, could we try this another time??”

Anyway, I think you get the picture……

Yeah, some of this might seem a bit overboard. But, hey, I didn’t invite these morons into my house. So, since they decided to invite themselves, I might as well have some fun, right??

KW