Home Improvements

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Growing up, my dad was always doing things around the house. He’s a carpenter by trade, so he could always do almost any home repair/remodeling project. He taught me a lot as a young man. As a result, I’m able to do most of my own remodeling projects today. And, truth be told, I’m not half bad at it.

However, that doesn’t mean I like it……..

We could move into a brand new house with all the amenities and Tina would still find something to “improve”. I’m serious. Whether it’s the color of the paint, the style of the front door or the shelving in the laundry room, she’s changing something. And it usually involves me. (Note: Part of our marriage agreement states that I will do no painting. So, if it involves a brush, roller or masking tape, it ain’t me).

During any project, the first thing that changes is my vocabulary. Four letter words instantly start spewing from my mouth with everything that goes wrong. For whatever reason, it helps me move on after I f*ck something up. (See, just thinking about it gets me going. It’s sort of like Tourette’s Syndrome).

One of the first items of business when we bought our house was to gut out the kitchen. Even though this was well over ten years ago, I still cringe at the thought of it. I allocated a full week to the whole project. I would wake up at 6:00 AM and work until around 9 or 10 o’clock at night. To say it was tiresome would be an understatement. Thank God my dad came down to give me a hand.

To balance the family commitment, I asked my father-in-law to handle a small plumbing project while I was working on the other stuff. Well, he has a tendency to get absorbed in whatever it is he’s doing. Every day around dinner time, he’d come over with a note pad. He’d want to have a beer and talk about the project. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but it drove me f*cking nuts! It got to a point where I’d lock the doors and hide under the bed when I saw him pulling up in the driveway.

Somewhere in between, I had asked a buddy to sweat a couple of water pipes for me. So, one day he comes over with a torch and a gas tank large enough to fuel a 747. He could barely get this thing through the front door! My dad sees this and asks, “What’s he doing with that?” I explain that he’s sweating a a couple pipes for me. My dad, who is always eager to share his opinion replies, “Are you guys nuts? You’re going to burn the f*cking house down!” So, now I’ve got this bullshit to deal with. I was really starting to wonder if I’d live through this one!

But in the end, everyone survived and the new kitchen was a success…..

Then, there was the basement remodeling project. This one was born out my purchase of a big screen TV. It looked so small in the store but when I brought it home, it was overwhelming. It would have been like sitting in the front row of a movie theater every night. So, I thought it made more sense to remodel the basement rather than to exchange the TV for a smaller one. For anyone keeping score, I’m not very smart…….

Last year, I finally put up the privacy fence that Tina’s been on my ass about for years. I decided to build this one from scratch with no real planning. Piece of cake, right? It turned out to be an ass-busting job! I would get up every morning and head to the Home Depot before the crowds came in. I’d load Tina’s little SUV up with as much lumber as it would hold. It’s a wonder I didn’t bust the tires! Actually, I was probably more worried about someone taking a photo (or worse, a video!) and posting it on You Tube. I could see myself, arms folded, leaning up against the poor vehicle with four busted tires in the middle of Ritchie Highway. Passing cars would be pointing and laughing while I’d flip them off. Yeah, that would have been a Kodak moment!

Once I got my load of materials home, I’d spend the remainder of the day mixing concrete and cutting wood in the hot sun. Keep in mind; this was my “vacation”.

Neighbors were sparked with curiosity and would attempt to nonchalantly walk by to see what I was doing. Most would just rubber neck and then move on. But one guy says, “What’re ya doing there, puttin’ up a fence?” Of course, this happened just as a hit my thumb with a hammer. The Tourette’s naturally took over and I blurted out, “No, I’m building a f*cking launch pad for the next space shuttle!” The guy seemed a little shocked and scurried away before I had a chance to say anything else. Sorry sir, just really bad timing on your part!

I like to think that every one of my projects has a story. There’s plenty of blood, sweat and sometime, tears, in each one. But somehow, they all work out….:-)

KW