The Grocery Store

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I can think of many stressful activities. Bungee cord jumping comes immediately to mind. And I guess a Hollywood stunt double might reach for the bottle of Pepto-Bismol after day’s work. A stock broker, especially these days, can likely look forward to an ulcer. And driving through West Baltimore always has the potential to put one through some pain and suffering.

But enough of all this, let me tell you about my typical grocery shopping experience…..

I pull into the parking lot looking for an open area. I swerve around several cars with AARP bumpers stickers .The drivers seem to have an abundance of time to wait for that perfect parking space. I find a spot at the end of the lot and make my way to the front door. As I’m walking, I notice an elderly man loading his final grocery bag into his car. As he closes the trunk, he seems oblivious to the shopping cart that he just turned loose. It rolls downhill and right into the side of another parked car. The old man doesn’t even notice it and slowly gets into his car and eventually takes off. I’m assuming that he does this type of thing regularly.

Once I get inside, the bright lights and cleanliness of the store puts me at ease. Of course, this is short lived. As I walk towards the salad bar, I see a large Hispanic woman coughing all over the broccoli that, up until 30 seconds ago, was going to be a part of my lunch. If this wasn’t bad enough, her two kids are having a food fight with the imitation crab meat. Red and white chunks litter the floor like a good episode of The Sopranos. As a piece of fish sails past my head, I decide against the salad for lunch.

I head towards the bread shelf. As I get closer, a lady asks me if I’ve ever tried the 7-grain whole wheat. Huh? I feel like asking, “What the f*ck do I look like, the Wonder bread man??” But I just tell her that I usually buy whatever’s on sale and move on…

I make a turn in the coffee and tea aisle. I see a woman with her shopping cart standing right in front of the Chock Full o’ Nuts. I politely say, “Excuse me” and try to grab a can. But she’s too busy yapping on her cell phone to even notice me. I accidently nudge her arm. Then she spins around and says, “You could have at least said ‘Excuse me’!” This sets me off! In my mind, I say, “You stupid bitch. If you weren’t so God damned clueless and were paying attention, I wouldn’t have bumped you! You can kiss my Chock Full o’ Ass!”

But in reality, I quietly said, “Sorry” and walked away…….

I attempt to make my way down the next aisle. There’s a robust woman leaning over her shopping cart which is parked right in the middle of the aisle. She seems to be in deep thought. My assumption is that she can’t decide between the Ring-Dings or Ho-Ho’s. She’s got the aisle blocked in a way that no one can get past her. I see a guy coming down the other direction. It seems like an impromptu game of chicken has been introduced. Which one of us will have the balls to interrupt the cupcake lady? As luck would have it, the woman finally grabs an extra large box of Twinkies and vacates the aisle. As I pass the other guy, we just give each other a nod. We know that we both dodged a bullet and will live to fight another day.

I pass the pharmacy and notice the blood pressure machine. For a second, I consider checking myself out to see how I’m doing. But I decide against it and march on…..

As I head into the dairy isle, I notice about a dozen senior citizens scattered about. I can’t help but to overhear their conversations. The topics of the day seem to center around Metamucil and lactose intolerance. Too much for me to bear, so I head right on through….

As I turn the corner, I see the two kids from the salad bar. Now, they’ve graduated to a can of macadamia nuts and are throwing them at each other like snowballs. Little round nuts litter the floor. A broken hip could be in the future for one of the Metamucil crew. Clean up in aisle five!

I’ve had about all I can take. So, I take my five or six items to the express lane. This is my lucky day. The asshole in front of me has an overflowing cart of items. Obviously, he thought the brightly lit “10 items or less” sign only applied to everyone else! After what seems like an eternity, he finishes up and heads out the door. The cashier scans my items and asks me if I want paper or plastic. I tell her she can put my stuff in an old sock for all I care. She gives me plastic. I grab my items, throw them in the cart and head out to the parking lot. I see the asshole from the express lane loading up his twenty bags of groceries. Thoughts of the old man and the shopping cart come back to me. So, I nonchalantly turn my cart loose in the direction of the guy’s large SUV. I hurry up and pull out of the parking lot. I check my rear view mirror to see the cart hit the guy square in the ass as he’s bending over his trunk. This instantly makes me smile.

Sometimes, it’s the little things that help you relieve stress………

KW