Red Necks & White Trash

Friday, June 26, 2009

I don’t even know where to start with this one. We’ve all heard the jokes, seen the images and strolled through a Wal-Mart or two. So, without further ado, let’s deep dive right into this sixteen ounce can of skull-busting Budweiser……

I’m not exactly sure what the difference is between a redneck and white trash, but I do believe there is a fine line. I'm going to try to distinguish between the two. For instance, a redneck will bust his ass all week to earn enough cash to party through the weekend. There’s some merit in that. On the other hand, the white trash will contently wait (while munching on a bag of Doritos) for the postman to bring his SSI check. Afterward, there will likely be a mullet jamboree at the trailer park. Hot damn!

You can meet these characters almost anywhere. But they seem to show up consistently at Wal-Mart. You can usually find the flannel-shirted rednecks huddling together in the hunting/fishing section, while the white trash will be shuffling through the DVD budget bin. I think that Wal-Mart intentionally loads up “the bin” with low budget, dumb-ass movies knowing that these idiots will jump in the El Camino and head to the nearest Wally World to snatch them up. (I wonder if their Independence cards cover these things??)

Rednecks love to fight. Once “Sweet Home Alabama” kicks in, prepare yourself, ‘cause there’s gonna be an ass whoppin’! It’s kind of like a mating call. There doesn’t even have to be a reason. They’ll fight their own mother if she’s the only one around. And I give the mother even odds!

Now, white trash, on the other hand, has a clear motive for fighting. In a nutshell, they want to sue someone. You can bet your ass that right after the brawl, win or lose; they’ll be heading straight to their favorite personal injuy lawyer. Hey, those welfare checks only go so far, you know!

A redneck is proud of his choices of alcoholic beverages. It’s pretty much straight up Budweiser (in a can!) and Jack Daniels for a chaser. There is no compromise here, these are serious drinks for serious people.

For white trash, it’s all about being cheap. You ever see some no-name beer on the back shelf of the liquor store? Well, that’s set there for a reason. Yes, it tastes like warm piss, but it’s $5 a case and that’s a bargain in any west Kentucky town! In the event of a little romance, the white trash might splurge for a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Because nothing says, “I want to be the father of you illegitimate love baby” more than a bottle of Strawberry Hill. Cheers!

Rednecks like using power tools in the great outdoors. Maybe it’s gets their testosterone flowing, I dunno. A few years ago, the rednecks on the other side of the woods from me got a little bored. So, after four or five cases of Budweiser, they got the chainsaws out. If you think that handling sharp, dangerous power tools is a stupid thing to do while you’re drunk, you’ve obviously got a lot to learn about being a redneck! After the trees started falling, I called the police. The police promptly came and said that they appreciated my concern for the guy’s safety. I told them that they could cut each other’s nut sacks off for all I cared! But the woods were the only thing separating me from them. And they were cutting down the barrier! (I sometimes refer to this as The Great Wall of Glen Burnie.)

The white trash stayed in the house and watched Jerry Springer during the whole tree cutting adventure.

Rednecks are somewhat conservative when it comes to their finances. They tend to work for what they have. Even if it’s a plastic talking deer head mounted on the wall, they probably paid for it. Yeah, we laugh at the gift wrapped mud flaps under the tree on Christmas morning, but it is what it is.

White trash lets the rest of us pay for their irresponsible lifestyles. Although they don’t work, they’re likely to own a couple of unneutered pit bulls and a big screen plasma TV. They let the rest of us pick up their tab and that’s bullshit. It's amazing that these people are dumb as a box of rocks but somehow know how to skate by on our dime. Yes, I'm a little jealous.

Hey, I’m not trying to be judgmental. The world would be a far less interesting place if it weren’t for rednecks and white trash. They serve their purpose in life. They make us feel better about ourselves and give us a much needed source of amusement. God bless them, I guess....

KW