"Security" Guards

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I’ve spend my fair share of time in "secure" buildings through the years. They can certainly be overwhelming and confusing at times. And it’s only fitting that they should be safe guarded against anyone that doesn’t have legitimate business there. For this reason, the building owner usually contracts a "security" firm to safeguard America’s well being.

I’m not sure where they get these “security” people, but they’re an interesting bunch to say the least. My assumption is that the requirements for this job are relatively non-existent. Some of the “guards” that I’ve met didn’t even seem to have the intelligence to pass a second grade spelling test. And the fact that these Einstein’s are allowed to carry guns is a bit unsettling!

One thing I’ve definitely noticed is that many of these “guards” like to sleep. I have actually had to wake up some them when entering a "secure" facility. Of course, I’m there on business, so it’s in my best interest to let the “guard” know I’m there. However, if someone was up to no good, all he would have to do is tip-toe quietly past the “guard” and proceed to go wherever he wants (For some reason, a vision of Fred Flintstone pops into my head). I have angered “guards” in the past by waking them up. How dare I interrupt their nap!

One of the best ones that heard was when a cash register was stolen from a "secure" cafeteria. A couple of thieves didn’t want to make a lot of noise trying to jimmy open the cash drawer. That might wake of the “guards”. So, what did they do? They carried the freggin’ thing right past the sleeping “watchman”! Way to improvise guys!

Years ago, I had to have someone “watch” me as I worked in a secure room. The guy who was “watching” me was kicked back in his chair with a pair of sunglasses on. I asked one the nearby workers about this. He told me that the guy wore sunglasses all the time so no one could see that his eyes were closed! You can’t make this stuff up!

When not sound asleep, the “guards” can actually be quite amusing. Some of them like to have loud, obscene conservations in earshot of anyone that happens to passing by. F-bombs drop like rain in April as the “guards” laugh and carry on like a bunch of adolescent kids on a street corner. Sure, it’s offensive to most people. And it doesn’t matter that they’re in a professional environment. I guess it’s their way of diversifying the workplace.

I find it amusing when these guys inspect people’s possessions as they enter the buildings. These “guards” clearly wouldn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. And we’re supposed to trust them to find a suspicious object? Give me break!

I had a “guard” give me a hard time for trying to bring a screwdriver into a site one time. He told I couldn’t bring it in because it could be used as a weapon. I attempted to rationalize the sitation. I told him that my fists could be used for weapons too. Would I be prohibited from taking those in too? This was obviously too much for the guy to absorb, so he called his supervisor over. The supervisor was about sharp as a butter knife. He explained to me (in a condescending tone) that I would be allowed to take my screwdriver into the building as long as I didn’t take the bits out of the handle. Sure, bud, whatever you say!

The most frustrating part is that you have to accept this bullshit if you’re doing business in most "secure" facilities. I’ve complained about the incompetence of some of these bozos, but I was basically told there’s nothing that can be done about it.

Through the years, I’ve learned to just grin and bear it…….

KW